My nephew is eleven and built like a bowling ball with opinions. Last summer, at a pool I won't name, he produced a splash that reached a woman reading a paperback four loungers deep. She lowered the book, looked at him, and slowly began to applaud. That was the day the Cannonball Index was born, we had to make it official.
What Makes a Pool Good for Cannonballs?
Four factors decide everything: water depth (five feet minimum for full tuck deployment), runway length (three unobstructed strides), lifeguard leniency (posted rules and enforcement enthusiasm), and sunbather proximity (the ethical variable). Splash physics rewards mass moving fast into deep water, but pool ECOSYSTEMS reward reading the room. A perfect cannonball into the wrong pool is not a triumph, it's an incident, and me and my nephew have generated both kinds of data.
The Index, Pool by Pool
1. The Deep End of the Big Family Pool — Index: 9.4
The promised land. Six feet of water, festival atmosphere, lifeguards who's whole vibe is 'keep it reasonable,' and an audience that WANTS you to succeed. Splash lands on people who are already wet. This is where records are set and applause occassionally happens.
2. The Waterslide Splash Pool (During Off-Hours) — Index: 8.6
Engineered for impact absorption — deep, wide, drains built for turbulence. When the slide closes for the evening but the pool stays open, you have a purpose-built splash laboratory. Respect the ropes when the slide is running, obviously. We're scientists, not menaces.
3. The Grotto Pool Behind the Waterfall — Index: 7.2
Solid depth and the waterfall provides sound cover, so a cannonball here is a private performance. Points off for low rock ceilings — check you're clearance, one enthusiastic leap in a grotto teaches a lesson you keep forever.
4. The Rooftop Pool in Vegas — Index: 5.8
Depth is usually humiliating (3'6" of pure marketing) but the leniency in Vegas is legendary and the skyline backdrop adds style points no other venue can offer. A shallow-water flop performed confidently at a Vegas rooftop reads as intentional. That's worth something.
5. The Lazy River — Index: 4.0
Tempting, wrong. Three feet deep, full of drifting tubers who did not consent to participate in your research. The current also carries the evidence — and the splashed parties — directly past you on a loop, so their's no escaping the consequences. One demonstration lap was enough for us.
6. The Kiddie Splash Pad — Index: 2.5, Ethics: 0.0
Eighteen inches of water. Structurally worthless for splash generation and morally indefensible. The Index does not merely score poorly here, the Index looks away.
7. The Adults-Only Quiet Pool — Index: 1.1
Deep enough, technically. But this is a library with water in it, forty people are marinating in silence with cucumber water, and a cannonball here doesn't make you a legend, it makes you a story they tell at other pools. Total leniency score: negative. Do not.
8. The Infinity Edge Pool — Index: 0.3
The splash goes OVER THE EDGE. Your masterpiece literally leaves the venue, wasted on a scenic gutter system, while every person at the swim-up bar recieves your wake. Highest style, lowest return, angriest audience. The Index respects the edge and stays off it.
She lowered her paperback. And she applauded.
How Do You Actually Maximize a Splash?
Maximum splash comes from the tightest possible tuck at the moment of impact — knees to chest, chin down, arms locked around shins — because splash height scales with how much water you displace how suddenly. The full technique matrix:
| Technique | Splash Height | Difficulty | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Classic tuck | High | Easy | The reliable standard |
| Late tuck ('the depth charge') | Very high | Medium | Tuck at the last instant; timing is everything |
| Can opener (one leg extended) | Very high, directional | Medium | Aimable. Use responsibly. |
| Belly flop | Wide, not tall | Free | Costs skin. Earns legend status. |
Where the Great Cannonball Pools Live
The best cannonball venues are big family resorts with multi-pool complexes, because multiple pools mean one of them is always in a permissive mood. Orlando leads the world in six-foot deep ends per square mile, and villa resorts bookable on 3-night packages give you enough days to conduct a full research program. Pack a towel with absorbency ratings you trust. Bring an eleven year old if you can, they understand things about physics we've forgotten.
One last note on scoring etiquette: the Index is self-reported, honor-system science, and it must stay that way. You do not rate your own cannonball above an 8 in public — the audience assigns greatness, you merely displace the water. My nephew learned this the day he awarded himself a 10 and the paperback woman quietly revised it to a 9.5 on splash-radius grounds. He accepted the ruling. Scientists respect peer review.
The pools are out there. The Index is yours now. Browse the current deals and go displace some water.